Apathy, apathy smeared beneath the smiles
Driving me, driving me wild
Heartbeats, heartbeats out of sync
But our features are copied piece for piece

I hate your dark eyes in the mirror
Telling me you could do better
Is it not enough to be enough for a mother?
I hate your tone and stony violence
When I miss your expectations
Is it too much to ask to be loved by a mother?

And I miss you when you're in a room five feet away
But I hate you walking in like this is your parade
Do I cry to you or about you?
You never taught me what to do
I just hope that after having me you've grown

Used to it, I always think I'm used to all of you
But you conjure up some new words that break me into two
Endlessly, endlessly I listen to your cries
But you would never listen to mine

And I miss you when you're in a room five feet away
But I hate you walking in like this is your parade
Do I cry to you or about you?
You never taught me what to do
I just hope that after having me you've grown

And some day in the future
You'll be better to my sisters
Tell them all the right things
I never got to hear
And some day in the future
You'll know how to be a mother
I had the unlucky pleasure
To be your eldest child

And I miss you when you're in a room five feet away
But I hate you walking in like this is your parade
Do I cry to you or about you?
You never taught me what to do
Homes burn down into houses
And I'm left with only guesses
You never really raised me
So how could you ever save me
I just hope that after having me you've
Hope that after having me you've
I just hope that after having me you've grown

Grown was written after a bad argument with my mother maybe four or five years ago. I feel like relationships are always complicated but especially between parent and child, and at the time I was also dealing with mental health issues that seemed to make things worse. there were many miscommunications and misunderstandings and this song is the result of that.

this song is not about me hating her, because I don't, but I also don't know how exactly I feel, which is very obvious in the chorus. immediately after the argument, I was hoping so much for comfort of any kind and my parents would have been my go-to, but how could I when the need for comfort was also a result of them?

instead, I think the song is more about hoping that those who have hurt you can grow, and treat others better in the future. the lines I wrote in the bridge now seem kind of prophetic as those hopes I had for growth did happen with my sisters. it seems fitting that, looking back on this song, both parties involved in the argument that result in it have now grown.